Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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