Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
