brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
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I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial