I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
a search helicopter?!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all