I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this boner is exhausting
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode