u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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