hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
