my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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