Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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