i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
