these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
