I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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