She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
