you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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