We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
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It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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