Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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