So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Randomize
