im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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