I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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