I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
