and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hippo gnu deer
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket