just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.