what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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