So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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