your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
