If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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