DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
