It's Friday. Sex?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How does one acquire holy water?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
