woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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