so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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