So drunk its hurt
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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