Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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