its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
