Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
