can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
