There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
