i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
