just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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