please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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