My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
