I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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