also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
