I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize