oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
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I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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