Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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