We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
