Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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