I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize