I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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