Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love