he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
