Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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