oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Everyone says I win the strip club
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
