you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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